It's Complicated.

It's Complicated.
By PaulWADE-2012

 

A Short Story.

Martin Keynes was a normal healthy, happy boy, until that is, at the age of 10 years old, he learned about death. He had already owned a few goldfish, several guinea pigs and, well, many white and black mice. Every one of these pets had “gone to sleep,” which he soon realized was a thing called death.
He had not actually seen his father go to sleep, he was told, in the street, no less, by a not very smart adult, that his father had died.
Not certain how to behave, when told such a piece of news, Martin didn’t behave at all. He found it was much better to keep such “news” inside his head, all to himself

Noticing the many changes, that happen when a person died in the family, not all bad ones, he was surprised to notice. This too, Martin thought he would keep to himself.

Martin found it was different at home, very different. It seemed to be a very happy place, all the time, not only sometimes, like when his father was there. Martin had to think a lot about such things. Was this a good thing to think, or a bad thing? He even wondered if he could be punished for having thoughts like these.

It had been two years worth of thoughts for Martin, indeed, a great many thoughts, because Martin had discovered a new thing, a very worrying thing, during those two years.
Could this same death thing, happen to his mother?
No, it couldn't happen to someone he idolized.
His mother was his whole world.
He loved his mother with such devotion, he would do paper rounds before school, after-school jobs at the market in town and much, more, all because he wanted to help his mother and be the man of the house.
She had told him many times it was not necessary to do so much, but Martin knew she was just being kind.

At night, in the long dark, silent nights, the things inside his head would make so much noise he could never sleep. Over and over the things he thought about would go back and forth, until Martin was sure his head would burst.

The worst, the very worst of those fears and anxieties were about his mother dying. He knew that after the death of his father, who had died in the middle of the day, people didn't have to wait until night time, for this long, long sleep.
This is what he had heard people call it anyhow.
Passed on.
Long deserved rest.
Rest in peace. Sleep eternal and so on.

It had taken quite a while to really understand what that all meant. So it made the worry and concerns for his mum, very pressing and a constant thing inside his head.
Martin had wondered too if it had anything to do with what he had heard about boys being bad, or at least not “behaving themselves.” Not doing as they were told, or fighting at school, not having a bath, or shower and not cleaning your teeth.

Was it possible, he thought, to cause such a thing to happen, to another person, just because he was bad?
This he added to the crowded thoughts he already had in his head.
His very-bad headaches did not make it easy to concentrate either.
So night after night, in the darkest of darkness and the earsplitting silence, he became terrified at the thought of his mother “sleeping forever,” “resting in peace,” dying.

Those nights became so terrifying, that Martin dreaded bedtime. He had no one he could tell about these things. The thoughts in his head were driving him crazy.
###

Martin was just 12 years old when on an autumn weekday, he was not well enough to go to school. His mother had to drive to another city, for something called a “check-up.”
Martin didn't really know what this meant, so he was happy to stay at home, behave himself and wait for his mum to come home.
Martin never saw his mother again.
EVER –

A policeman and an Aunt he hadn't seen at his house for, well, he couldn't remember ever seeing this Aunt at his home before.
There they stood at the front door, Policeman and strange Aunt...
Martin can not really remember what the Policeman actually said to him. Or was it the Aunt. It doesn't matter. He certainly understood why they were there.

Martin was taken to his rarely seen Aunts house, where his uncle, who he had seen, from time to time, patted him on the head and told him to go to bed.

Things will look different in the day time, or some such crap is what the Uncle had told him.
Well, here is a piece of news for you Uncle. It didn't look different. It looked even worse. And moreover, it has never changed.

Martin had spent that terrible night, in a strange bed, in a strange room in a strange house. Alone with his thoughts, his doubts and conclusions. Except now, the very worst thing that he could ever imagine had happened.

Was it because of me? Martin asked himself.
Was it because I was bad, or didn't do as I was told?
Had I loved my mum too much?
Too many questions and not one single answer.

Martin came to a very important decision. If he never loves anyone again, ever. Perhaps this dreadful, cold, empty feeling, will go away. Maybe, it will not ever come back.
More so, he thought. If He does not feel, then his feelings cannot be hurt.
So that was settled. In a trance of misery, Martin vowed, never to love and never to feel, anything, ever again.

Martin passed through the years, growing into first a teenager, then a young man. He had learnt that having a new title, Orphan. Must be the funniest thing. For at school he was laughed at because he was an orphan. This brought very mixed ideas into Martin's mind.
People he decided, were rotten bastards.

Being picked on because he had no parents, what was THAT?
So Martin learnt to fight. He learnt well, not just one kind of fighting but lots of ways. Boxing, Karate, Judo, self-defence, if he could find a place to teach it, Martin would learn it.

A detail Martin had learnt while growing up the last few years, was that if he put his mind to something. REALLY, put his mind to it, nine times out of ten, he could do it. Martin was never picked on at school again.
In fact, Martin was never picked on again – full stop.

These decisions had really changed Martin. A lot.
Almost anything, of any importance, would go on in his head, in his mind first. Up until this time. He still had no Adult, he could talk these things over with, so he had to try and get the right answers himself.
Which sadly he didn't always achieve.
It was very hard to get everything right, all the time.
Especially things he only half knew the meaning of.

One of those things he couldn't quite figure out on his own was girls.
He wasn't stupid. Martin had a fairly solid working knowledge of what goes where and how. In theory.
It was the, actually making this happen part, that was stumping Martin.

His friends told him to simply ask a girl out, maybe to the movies.
Inside the movie house, was where you get to kiss and stuff.
Martin was pretty sure it was not the kissing, but the “stuff” part, he was most keen to try.
Nevertheless, he did follow his peers' advice and would ask out a girl.
The one, in particular, he liked the look of, didn't really look back at him. When she did, it was for a very brief moment, then a tiny snicker and she would be gone. Also, she was never alone. Always at least three of them.

Martin didn't know if this was correct, or not.
He had made the decision, he would ask her out to the movies with him.
Of all the difficult, even unpleasant things Martin had done.
Asking a girl out, now rose very high up, on that list.
Five weeks of false starts, hesitant approaches and the worst butterflies he had ever had in his stomach ever.
Martin asked her out. Finally.
To this day, Martin isn’t sure whether he was so happy, because he really liked her, or that she had said “yes”.
Her Yes, didn't make him look like a proper fool after all.  

This entire taking a girl out experience had not ended in the carnal bliss, he had read about in specially marked pages of certain books, or magazines. It had been a whole load of other, not so expected things, that Martin had learnt the hard way.
He discovered, for example, overpowering as the urge to Do this girl was, he actually liked her very much and didn't want to cause a bad situation which could end with not seeing her again.

This for Martin was a major dilemma. If he didn't try, how would he know if she was “game” or not?

So he was determined to give it a go, but carefully.. feeling her tits, Martin decided would be half the battle, if that worked out OK, then she was likely to go the rest of the way.
Martin got this wrong too.
Yes, it's true, she did “let him” feel her tits, but only on the outside of her clothes, leaving Martin with a not very satisfying encounter, also an over-worked fantasy and something he later learnt was called “Lead Bollocks.”

The first of these he could sort of live with. The latter, not so much.
He also found that the only way to relieve said Lead Bollocks was, although successful. It rather defeated the object of wanting to do IT with a girl.
If he was going to have to jerk himself off each time, then he could save the entry fees to the movies.
Not ask her to go out, stay home and be a wanker.
Needless to say, Martin soon grew out of or grew tired of self-relief.

Soon Martin discovered the magic formula, driven, as most males of that age are, by pure lust and overworked hormones.
Martin realized he had indeed turned this whole sex thing around.

Learning that it was not so difficult to meet a girl, say and do the right things, buy her a few drinks, maybe pop some food down her throat, then hey presto, you got a bonk. And Bonking was, for a good while, all Martin lived for. Bonking, Martin decided was everything.
Who needs food, drink, or air, if you can Bonk a girl?

All these new things that Martin learnt, came with a price, however.
Yes, all that was true about Bonking.
Except, what if you actually liked the girl, a lot.
Something about her was different maybe?
OK, Martin would still Bonk her, but low and behold, he realized he would like to see HER again. Even Bonking her AGAIN, instead of moving on to new pastures, this idea didn't seem so bad; How odd.

Another lesson. Martin realized, not quickly it needs to be said.
Girls didn't just Bonk, simply because you asked them to.
Hello? Martin was horrified to learn that Girls like sex too.
Bloody hell, do they? Shock!!
Martin also discovered that if he liked what was on the plate, to get a second helping, he would have to do something for her.
Well, Martin did pride himself on being a fast learner, so a gift here, a bunch of flowers there. Even chocolates in the right moment seemed to work wonders.

Granted, it was a while before he realized these things were NOT what they appeared to be. Flowers, Perfume, Chocolates, they each looked pretty innocent to Martin, but they had become TOKENS.
They changed into Tokens as he carried them to the girls.
Tokens, Martin learned, were a very powerful commodity.
Also, tokens changed in value and kind, as the stakes grew higher.
The better looking, or the more difficult she was to “approach” so the female demanded a higher valued token.

Many valuable lessons martin had learned.
The last lesson, in the matter of “Girls” was a new thing, not only to Martin but to all of his fellow male chauvinist losers.
A Really odd thing called Emancipation.!!!

What the ****.
Martin was intrigued. Nay Fascinated.
Then, the strangest thing happened.
He had arrived in emancipation heaven.

Every girl, Martin had spent so long learning all about. Now seemed to be agreeing with everything he ever thought or fantasized about.

Females, had burned their bra's, did things now, they had never done before, went to some places very new for females, and proving there probably is a God after all. Females raised the hem-line of their skirts and dresses, to just below where Martin had spent the best years of his life trying to see, get close to and touch.....

Martin, as well as several millions of guys, really liked this thing called Emancipation.

# # #

Regrettably, there were some issues, which Martin felt unsure about.
Again in the absence of an older person, family member, or friend to whom he could turn to for council.
Martin was going to have to work it out for himself.
The question seemed simple enough.

“How do you fall in love?”

The question was not really so straight forward. It was not quite as black and white. What Martin actually meant was “How can you Feel?”
What is supposed to happen to you? How will you know? And so on...

Up until his 21st year, Martin had not thought about this question before. He didn't have a great desire to rush out and fall in love.
Martin remembered what happened the last time he had loved someone.
He was equally convinced that to do so again, would be foolhardy, even if he could achieve it. It had been a decade since he made the vow, never to “Feel” again. And he hadn't.

It also needs to be said, that Martin did other things during that ten year period. Some things had changed him almost as much as the events of his childhood.
One thing, in particular, was being sent during his time in the Military, to a small battle in Borneo. Happily, it was almost time for the regiment to be sent back home.
He was there long enough though, to learn that men do dreadful things to other men. He learned too that some men are beyond cruel to women. Martin does NOT like these men, at all.

He found himself being a staunch protector of women, who need it. And, a convinced hater of men, who abuse the trust women give, along with the gentleness and warmth.
Martin discovered he may not be able to love, but loyalty came easily to him. So he concluded that Loyalty and protection was better than nothing.

As time passed, these aspects of Martin's life did indeed revolve around those few important attributes.
Loyalty to a few people, friends, who remain so.
Protection, well, Martin would kill any who harmed the people he cares for.

Upon reflection, it seems like a simple formula.
To a certain extent, a winning formula even.
It does, however, become more complex.
As a matter of fact, it's very complicated
Martin had not taken into account, really liking someone.
Getting married, or having children.
It was not that he was in any way, shape, or form, against these things. On the contrary. Martin was delighted with the idea.

The immaturity, lack of advice, or any council given.
All of these deficiencies suddenly mattered.
Fierce loyalty and killer protection, are all well and good, in their time and place. His wife and family were safe inside the home he had created so long as he could watch over them.

He could not, however, stop doing all the other things that were an integral part of his character.
Martin may grow older but he will never grow up.

As another decade passed on bye, Martins convictions became stronger. This is not to say they were based upon more truth or proven to be fact. It was life, pure and simple.
Nothing had really happened to change his fears. He had two beautiful children now. Equally, his wife meant more to him than he could describe. The depth of those fears and his anxieties were so deeply branded, that he knew if he was to try and love, or allow himself to let those feelings go, something terrible might happen.

Martin still had told no one about any of these things.
He battled constantly with his own thoughts, his disjointed feelings. His own nature, which only now was becoming more clear to himself, more understandable perhaps.

Strange how, his own stupidity allowed his carefully planned, protected home and family to become a statistical anomaly.
He was divorced.
Even then he could not stop caring, could not stop protecting. The only thing he couldn't truly learn was how to love.
He finally looked for help from professionals.
Martin has not THE answer yet, but AN answer...
“It's Complicated.”

THE END

Footnote... I actually know the guy this happened to...